I like to think it a success when the cops are called
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
