I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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