when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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