...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
