Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
