you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
so he's a sleeptalker.
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available