Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I need to stop coming to work sober
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
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I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
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Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif