Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
