There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
