dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
