Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize
