Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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