I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
