I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
