we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
