Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
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I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
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I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
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