So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
i already hear my dad disowning me
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
