If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
