so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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