Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
