Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
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The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
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Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
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