I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize