youre lurking in front of me
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Randomize
