Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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