if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
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