having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
