And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
