Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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