the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
you made out with another girl for some wings
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
