you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
