Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
