On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
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I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk