Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
