I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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