There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Randomize
