Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
