I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
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he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
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You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type