Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.