Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
