Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
