I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
