I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
