It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
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i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
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