I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
