Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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