Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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