Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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