I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Randomize
