you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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