Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
