I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
porn star boner night. come get it.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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