Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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