and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
