i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
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