I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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